i struggle with some really intense health problems, and i had been going to the doctor for tests and specialists were lined up to share my results. (they told me it was either celiac's disease or ulcerative colitis).
and i was sicker than a dog when i showed up to praise band practice.
people were asking me what was wrong, and i was thinking...
well do i look THAT bad?
and i knew what God was trying to do. He was trying to get me to be 100% transparent
with the people i tried to get along with, but never really trust.
so i called Gabe and Benson aside, and for the first time in 2.5 years,
told them EVERYTHING about my health.
(this was a HUGE step for me, by the way).
sure, they were a bit sad that i had waited this long to tell them, but they understood and called one of the girls in with us to pray for me.
and afterwards, she asked me why i wouldn't tell Gabe for so long.
i knew the answer for the first time.
i didn't trust him because of some of the things that happened with his assistant
pretty much crushing my confidence into small, tiny pieces.
God started the list then.
He made me a list of people that i hadn't been totally honest with.
name after name popped up in my head of things i never said, things i never repented of,
things i always wanted to explain to people that i had hurt and that hurt me.
i started with an old friend. i repented to her about some things that she did that hurt me deeply.
she repented of those things as well.
and when we got off the phone, i felt lighter than a feather.
the weight of guilt and shame was coming off, piece by piece, encounter by encounter.
this part of the journey is still not over.
i'm still talking, still speaking out,
still repenting.
but every single person i speak to...brings me more joy than i remember having before.
No comments:
Post a Comment