i want You more.

it was a beautifully chilly day in november when all the things i thought i had secured started crashing to the ground.

it was a tuesday, and i was battling some things, but nothing excessive that would cause me to start grasping for desperate measures. i saw him and my stomach filled with butterflies. i made a casual comment to him about some stuff the Lord had been dealing with me about that morning, and that's when he sat me down for the most discouraging, yet most fruitful conversation of my life.

we decided that this beautiful relationship we were trying to force would have to come to an end.

bad timing caused by peer pressure,

there was too much in this season of our lives that God was trying to do.

so we submitted to the painful call and beckoning of our Master, and said goodbye.

maybe for a season, maybe forever, but we weren't gonna worry about that until we had to.

it's amusing to me that i walked away smiling. :)

because the minute we released all our suppressed insecurities to Him, it was like God breathed a sigh of relief and said, "oh good! finally! jess, i've been waiting to do SO MUCH in you and now I have you all to Myself!!!"

isn't it funny how we don't even realize He's calling our name until we're isolated?

thus began the best/hardest season of my life.

i'm tired of mediocre.

i'm tired of fearful.

i'm tired of the pain and things left unsaid.

it was a biting cold day in november - a wednesday, the day after the sky started falling.

i was in a worship service singing along to the song "it's gonna be worth it all"

and i finally admitted something to God i had never even thought to say.

"God, i want him, i want this, i want all of this more than anything i've ever wanted...

but i want You more.

He asked me gently, to prove it to Him...not for His sake, but for mine.

so "i want You more" is where i'm finding myself.

this blog is a journey to the center of me, where my heart collides with His.

i will be conducting a series of fasts, abstaining from things that i love...

to prove that "oh, yeah, sure i love ______....but i want You more."

i will write about what i'm learning through each fast, and i will prove to Him and to me

that He is the center of all i do.

and if He's not, He will be.

i want You more than my dignity.

thursday came around, and i was not happy.

i struggle with some really intense health problems, and i had been going to the doctor for tests and specialists were lined up to share my results. (they told me it was either celiac's disease or ulcerative colitis).

and i was sicker than a dog when i showed up to praise band practice.

people were asking me what was wrong, and i was thinking...

well do i look THAT bad?

and i knew what God was trying to do. He was trying to get me to be 100% transparent

with the people i tried to get along with, but never really trust.

so i called Gabe and Benson aside, and for the first time in 2.5 years,

told them EVERYTHING about my health.

(this was a HUGE step for me, by the way).

sure, they were a bit sad that i had waited this long to tell them, but they understood and called one of the girls in with us to pray for me.

and afterwards, she asked me why i wouldn't tell Gabe for so long.

i knew the answer for the first time.

i didn't trust him because of some of the things that happened with his assistant

pretty much crushing my confidence into small, tiny pieces.

God started the list then.

He made me a list of people that i hadn't been totally honest with.

name after name popped up in my head of things i never said, things i never repented of,

things i always wanted to explain to people that i had hurt and that hurt me.

i started with an old friend. i repented to her about some things that she did that hurt me deeply.

she repented of those things as well.

and when we got off the phone, i felt lighter than a feather.

the weight of guilt and shame was coming off, piece by piece, encounter by encounter.

this part of the journey is still not over.

i'm still talking, still speaking out,

still repenting.

but every single person i speak to...brings me more joy than i remember having before.

i want You more than i want control.

street evangelism is fun.

prophetic street evangelism is TERRIFYING.

you spend all day, praying and seeking God for this little clue as to where you even begin.

and if you're anything like me, you still question what you think you heard.

last tuesday night was the first time i prayed for God to show me stuff before we went out.

and, as usual, the unknown creeped up out of nowhere and started freaking me out.

i talked to my prophetic friend, matthew, and got transparent with him.

he kept encouraging me and told me not to doubt.

felt better for a while, then started freaking out again.

i'm one who needs to be in charge.

i don't have to be the boss, but i need to know the assignment so i can tackle it by the horns.

i don't do stuff halfway.

and, as a result of past experiences, i feel like i have to be in control as a means of protection.

we went out after tuesday night service,

down to main street,

where the christmas lights glow brighter than anywhere in dallas.

we spoke to a few homosexual couples without bringing up Jesus,

cause we plan to see them again and building relationship is vital.

i didn't have a word for anyone, but main street was what God showed me

and so our ending up there was what encouraged my faith.

my friends matthew and krubel spoke to a homeless man who had been abandoned by the church.

i want to find that man and keep speaking love and life over him.

that night, i realized that if i'm in control, i'm much more limited than

when i submit my life to God's control.

may seem easy to you, but it's one of the hardest lessons to learn.

matthew chapter 6? i believe? talks about this.

why do we worry so much? if God can feed the birds of the air and cause the grass to grow and give animals shelter, why in the heck do we think He can't take care of us? (that was my paraphrase of this passage, for those of you who didn't catch on.)

so i finally submitted to His control,

and even a week later, i'm wayyyy happier about this journey.

i want You more than my vanity.

makeup is a jewel for girls.

it's not even that we feel weird without it (although that is true),

but it's fun to buy, to play with, to put on in the mornings.

we truly enjoy wearing our makeup. all the colors and shock factors...

it's just FUN.

however, at some point, we forget that we're beautiful without it.

so, of course, considerate of my "i want You more" project,

i decided to shatter my insecurities at His feet

and go without makeup for 3 days.

tuesday through thursday. usually the days i try to look my best.

day one: was difficult. i ran into him and wouldn't look at him because i didn't want him to see me without my usual face paint. but eventually, i got over it. i realized that i put a lot of my security in my beauty. it's not like i think i'm a model, but i know that with the right makeup, a gorilla could be a model.

day two: better. i woke up late, so the whole no makeup thing really killed some time off my morning. but i got sick later that night and i looked like death. i was really wishing that i had some makeup to put color and life into my face. and it's then that i realized, that i hadn't even noticed that my makeup had become a mask for my pain. sounds crazy, but it made sense to me. so....

day three: was beautiful. it's day three today. reached for the makeup subconsciously, and then smiled at the fact that i hadn't used it all week. i enjoyed being makeup-less all morning, even though i was on stage. funny, come to think of it, this was the most alive i've been in chapel worship all semester!! but i kinda don't want to see my makeup fast come to an end. but...i just got new makeup from sephora and i NEED to use it!

the fact of the matter is that, i'm learning to strip away anything that brings security. i don't ever want to put faith in it instead of Him. and i'm finding that there are small things that i didn't even realize i put faith in. makeup will make me beautiful. control will make me happier. dignity is always important...but it's not true. God says i'm beautiful. He's in control. He doesn't want me to be dignified....

and in that, i'm joyful and content.

i want You more than my insecurities.

in this journey, He is becoming more and more real to me, just another part of my being, but so much more than that. He has made sure to call me beloved and speak to me louder. i'm doing things i never thought i would be able to do, because of His unending love. i'm a daughter of the King and that breeds confidence. sure, i still hate that i'm loud and emotional, but the minute i take comfort in that, i'm sure it won't be so bad. so that's my next journey: i want You more than my insecurity. i will do my absolute best to only speak good over myself all week. and if i mess up, i will say 3 good things about myself to the person i'm speaking to. for every negative comment, 3 good things will follow. i think this combined with talking with derek will be one of the hardest parts of the journey. but He said He would never leave me or forsake me, and that His strength is made perfect in my weakness, and i believe Him.

i want You more than the pain.

this is what a normal name on "the list" will hear when i speak to them. i am using the most difficult example because it happened today and i'm FREE!

"this name is, by far, the hardest on the list. i haven't spoken to you in years, yet there's a familiarity to all of this that i am completely uncomfortable with. i just want this moment to be over. but i know, in this moment, He's forming and shaping me into the image of the woman i am to become. somehow, this will all make sense when i walk away. i asked you to meet me in this quaint little room because there are things left unsaid between us. the first being that i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i didn't tell you that i was being sucked dry, sorry that i didn't speak the truth to you even when it hurt, sorry that i've made you suffer for the past two years because i just didn't want to hurt about it anymore, sorry for all the things i may have done. that being said, i need your forgiveness paired with the understanding that although i hurt you, you were also the primary source of the hurt, so i hurt you much more than i hurt anyone else in that time. i'm not excusing my actions, just showing you the place i was in when everything went down.

the second thing is going to be, by far, the most controversial of the three. i forgive you. for all the ill words spoken against me, for the blind hatred that has taken place since we said goodbye, for cheating on me, for expecting me to be your fulfillment, and for using me to feel satisfied. i'm not calling you a monster, i'm just forgiving you for the things you and i both know you did, and asking for your forgiveness for the things that you and i both know i did.

the third is simply thanking you for coming here and thanking you for the growth you brought into my life. i think we both know that at the beginning, it was beautiful, but over the months and through all the tears, we were both unhappy. yet we never simply finished this chapter in our lives. today is all about closure. i want you to understand that i'm not bitter or angry about any of this, and i pray you aren't, but i want to see you in the hall and know a friendly smile is going to be real from the both of us. i want peace.

the damage has been done, our friendship is not capable of restoration. too many words and too much history. but i want this to be the end of the struggle. i want us to walk away feeling like this is the end. and i want you to be happy. i hope you succeed in everything you do, and i will always be happy to hear of what God is doing in your life. "

i want You more than i want the past.

i'm home.
after hours of driving and relentless obstacles,
i'm back home. (and i'm not talking about OKC)

this christmas break was the most restful, but one of most difficult i've encountered in the 3 i've had as a college student. i didn't go home the whole time, and that's a whole other story in itself (see "i want You more than the attention"), but when i did, i was welcomed with a swarm (and i mean SWARM) of insecurities. everything i ever used to be came right back up in my face.

this time, i'm not writing about a fast.
i'm writing about a failure.

the guilt of allowing myself to go back to who i was in 2007 kills me. insecure, pottymouth, willing to sacrifice any part of my dignity for a cheap laugh. i've tried to deny this is what happened, but i got lazy and i feel like i've taken steps backwards during this time away. that scares me because when i graduate, who am i going to be?

i've got a lot of work to do.